<body>
causeyou'renotme
the best feeling is when you don't and you can't feel.
thats just who i am
shut up and listen
DENISE!
03/04/1995 must remember my PRESENT!!
CEDAR MODERN DANCER! rose cheerleader'09!
2H'09! 3Iyo'10!
a terrible violinist! not musically inclined!
and i have HUGE EYES! HAHAHAHA! yeah, right!
ex SACPian, netballer and ballerina!
love me, hate me, i am what i am.

flyaway
cause you're scared
aishu alex algae amandahan celestine celinefoo celinetsang dadee dayna dylan enqi eugenia farhana florence fitriah gayle goddad(: huijie huiying izni jiejie
krystal melody nadiah nicole peyling phaikmun phoebe rochelle shiling sixing laura yingyi yinshuen zheru
tagboard
scream your lungs
<.
memories
scary flashbacks
May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011
credits
its easy to clap
Layout : materialisti-c
Resources:
that WAS me, this is GOING to be me
Thursday, July 29, 20108:42 PM
i'm going to introduce myself, i'm gonna find out who i am.
everything i write is very honest, its my own blog, why should i lie?
if you respect me, respect what i write here.
if you have any opinions, feel free to voice out to my face.
if not, don't even bother reading.

hey, my name is denise fung xin hui.
i am fifteen this year born on 03/04/1995.
i am currently studying in sec 3 in cgss.
(im not going to say too much of my personal details, just in case.)
my favourite colour is pink, as most of you know.
it will be a long list if i am to write out my fave food and drinks, just know that i love eating, i'm a glutton.
i don't really bother much about my weight, fat then fat luh, so what?
so i do not appreciate those skinnier people going round saying they are fat and need to go on diet.
i dislike my shortness but i take what im given. short ppl have benefits too!
i think i'm average looking, but ive long learn to accept my appearences and differences.
all of us are made special, so we must learn to love ourselves.
i may be very ego at times but i'm only joking.
most of the time, i'm a happy cheerful person, and prefer to look on the bright side.
i like to smile and laugh no matter how my eyes disappear cause i know i will look mean or dao otherwise. (or so ive been told)
i'm working towards inspiring others and being a good friend for them.
i want to see people smile because of me, cause that feeling is really beyond awesome.
but most of the time, im kinda fail because im not doing it the right way.
i think i'm strong, i want to be strong.
don;t keep me protected, i want to face the world.
its easy to run away, but thats not solving anything.
i want to defend myself for myself, i want to face everything bravely.
and i hope there'll just be people there for me, in case i fall.
to patch up myself if i'm broken.
i'm anti-vulgar and do not curse, MOST of the time.
but ive got to be very honest, i curse in my head, i just don't say it out.
but now i learn that even THINKING it is a sin.
so, i'm attempting to clear these words from my vocab.
to me, these words don't make much of a difference.
being vulgar does not help clear the anger or whatever emotion you're feeling.
and i don't think it makes you any cooler by putting them in every sentence you say.
so, yeah, i don't believe in saying them constantly.

in school, im a dancer.
i must admit, being vice president is not very fun.
cause i know there will be people who hate me, but whatever, i don't care.
i like to dance, but i do not have a passion for it.
passion is a strong word, so i don't wanna say i have that.
i do not think i dance nicely, but i know i want to.
im gonna try to improve myself, but i think not even trying can suffice.
i'm really sorry to irene for saying all these, somehow its like letting you down.
and the other dancers too.
and i really want to spit this out before i burst too.
i find alot of people in dance very annoying.
stop making so much noise and playing around. when there's a time to play then play by all means. but get serious when its time to be serious. and btw, there's a basic line of respect between juniors and seniors. maybe its time to draw the line.
or maybe im being too strict, i should lower my expectations of the dancers.
then, i must learn to be patient.
i'm a tlc leader also, and i have absolutely no interest in this role.
i do not find it amusing and feel no dedication to it.
i'm doing it for the sake of doing it.
but now, im gonna put some effort into this job.
i mean, i've been chosen for a reason, right?
the OAL board is very corrupted.
my level of instructors are i-am-speechless-for-words.
truthfully, i am unhappy with some people.
like how did these people even get into the board in the first place huh?
im constantly toying with the idea of quitting this leadership role.
or maybe im fortunate enough that ms poon hates me and will axe me out.
whatever it is, now i think of it, of course everybody who is in the position deserve it.
the leaders and teachers saw the potential in these people and in me, so i must trust their better judgement.
regardless, im just gonna do what i do, give my all to cc. just do my part and be good at it.
accept that i can't have everything i want, and i can't force by friends to be someone they are not.

and there are friendships which i treasure alot, and friends i certainly don't wanna lose.
i'm gonna list them out (no particular order), please respect my privacy. (once again, im being honest here). i'm sorry if you are not on the list but i will try to work hard to make it there.
the people i love:
-yingyi, you are my most loved sister.
-laura, thanks for being there.
-irene, i've always respected you.
-yixin, you hear all my rubbish, and make me happy, smile and laugh.
-margie, you make sense, most of the time.
-daphne, we're not like we used to be anymore.
-peyling, i just trust you i don't know why.
-shannen, you were my first friend in cedar.
the people i like especially:
-yurda, i feel like you understand me alot.
-rachel tang, you emit this bubble of happiness to me.
-jiale, (idk why you're here) my view of you changed that friday. thankyou! (later shayna jealous! HAHAHAHAHA!)
-shujia and cheuklam, omg i love you two ttm! qm!(:
-weiting, chloe, you guys are hilarious.
-aliah, you hear out all my crap too. you share yours with me.
relations i want to work on:
-shannen
-joey
-daphne
-laura
your names are here cause i believe you are worth it.

to those ive offended in anyway, im sorry.
its hard to express myself in front of you, so i write it here.
you may or may not read it, but at least im writing it here with sincerity.
tmr will be the last day i have enemies.
its the last day i will complain about you.
cause as of the next day, i will be talking to all of you again.
pretend all the bad things never happen.
untie the tangle of knots within my heart, learn to let go.
i hate bearing grudges, i can't stay mad for long.
and i have to admit it hurts me too.

i feel much better after writing everything out.
sometimes if you feel you;ve lost yourself, in all these madness, in all your troubles.
in all your hatred and in anger, and you want to release it all.
find your actual you and pledge to make a change.
i think its the best way(:

sports day tmr, cheer ends tmr.
let the catfight stop and the peace making begin.
it takes 2 hands to clap, no matter how one soul can wish and wish for,
it'll never happen unless both can comply.

ilovesomepeople,andiwanttotreasurethem.
sogivemeachance,iprayeverynight.
ihopeGodwillhearmeout,
andeverything'salright.

i. love. you.
back to the top
its ME
Friday, July 23, 201011:15 PM
i've lost the will to be rational.
i've lost the power to control.
things only got worse in my hands.
therefore i want to say sorry to all of you.
i couldn't stand to see you guys being pissed at each other behind each other's backs.
i initiated the thrash out.
so PLEASE, if you wanna hate anyone,
HATE ME. cause its all MY fault okay?
stop, please stop all those.
FORGIVE AND FORGET and put the blame on ME.
i seriously hate what im seeing, i'd rather be the hated one.

im so hopeless, i can't do things right.
i let so many tears fall today, ive broken many hearts.
ive lost some friendships, and hell made it worse.
ive caused misunderstanding and more shit.
ive lost my grasp on helping things out,
i'm just adding fuel to the fire.

i hope all those tears weren't for nothing.
i hope everything will be right again.
i'd give up anything for that to come through.

i still love all of you.
im on neutral ground.
stay strong and stay happy.
promise?
back to the top
you're beautiful
Tuesday, July 20, 201010:28 PM
i'm being too obvious aren't i?
a short post this will be.

i had an awesome time dancing in the rain today!
yes, first time!
it was so wonderful when i got drenched from head to toe,
so incredibly great when idk im wet from rain or sweat,
felt beautiful when i was in the most unglam state ever and aching all over.
once again, i really love yog.
and im not sure if im being sacrstic anot.
sometimes, that negative attitude just disappears.

anyway, i want to say here
HEY YOU PEOPLE AH! READ MY BLOG FINE LUH NOT MY PROBLEM THAT YOU WASTING YOUR TIME READING SOMEONE'S ELSES NONSENSE. BUT, PLEASE STOP GOSSIPING LAME JOKES BEHIND MY BACK LIKE OLD AUNTIES OKAY! ANNOYING EH! GO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO STALK LUH! AND YES, I'M CAPABLE OF FALLING IN AND OUT OF LOVE, FRIENDSHIPS AND RELATIONSHIPS JUST LIKE ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING ON THIS PLANET SO STOP CRAPPING ABOUT SOME SHIT ABOUT ME LUH.
im not saying this in a mean way but i hope you get the message.



i chanced upon this picture on deviantart and i thought it was a beautiful picture.

like all other things, perfect moments can only be captured once, and its not enough to last a lifetime. we'll always hope and hope for happier things to come by, and we want to keep collecting more and more pretty pictures. is that too much to ask for?

back to the top
i need inspirations, or maybe aspirins.
Monday, July 19, 20109:01 PM
the more i think about it, the more i want to screw you.
i want to burst out and scream at you.
when i see you i have that huge urge to punch your face.
i feel like wanting to see that anguish on your face.
i dream of you begging me for forgiveness.
anything that makes you hurt will probably make me feel happy.
call me sadistic but i think you deserve it.
leave my friends alone before i reach my limit.
my patience isn't all that perfect.

okay, i should really stop fuming on someone so worthless of my annoyance.
seriously! i must get a grip of myself.
but i'm scared, i'm scared of really cracking up.
that would probably worsen things, not like it isn't bad enough.
i hope someone can pull me back, before i do things that i know i will regret.
before i hurt myself even more.
ah heck, why should i give a damn about something that was not there in the first place?

i don't know who reads my blog and who doesn't,
i don't give a shit anyway.
as you probably realise, i won't screw you if you don't screw me first.
take the first wrong step and you'll realise you can't step back anymore.
i'm usually a really forgiving person, i hate bearing grudges, and i definitely can't stay mad for long.
but i will always remember what you've done to me.
the lies you've told, the hurt you've caused, the pain i feel.



God, please help me.
you see me rant all day, you see me cry at night.
will you help me out of this mess i'm stuck in?
please help me untie these knots in my life.
and thank you for always answering my prayers.
i realised some of my problems are solved, and i have conquered that challenges you throw at me bravely.
but one more time, guide me through the darkness.
thank you for helping me to believe in you.
help me defend this faith.

olevel listening compre! yog! lol, things doesn't get much 'better' than these.
hmm, the more i think about some stuff, i wanna thank you for making life in cedar much better for me.
you were there for me when i was bored, when i was down.
sorry for not being initiative enough, you know i love you right?(:

when i see you, you make my heart flutter.
when i don't, you make me glance around me so i can find you and feel better.
its a beautiful yet annoying feeling.
i can actually hate you for making me so tired of looking around trying to spot you.
you're not pretty, or cute.
but you have that little something that attracts me.
and hell to make it worse you're older than my sister.
ahh, life sucks (yeah you know the next line), take drugs.
(and the most painful thing is hiding my feelings from the rest. pretending its nothing, shoving away all those teases. i hate teenage raging hormones. on the bright side, i think we have a special something/connection.thanks for smiling at me when our eyes meet.)


though this picture isn't wonderful or beautiful, at least what it says make sense.

its alot like people. whats outside is not the same as inside, the inside holds so much more value. don't judge a book by its cover, these cliche words. i finally start to understand what it means.

back to the top
it meant nothing;
Monday, July 12, 20107:45 PM
somehow, i don't have affirmity with good friendships.
everytime its as if i found someone to trust in, they stab me in the back.
it seems everytime i think i know that person, she becomes someone else.
it really hurts to know there is no one there in my life.
someone to catch me when i fall, someone to go through thick and thin with me.
some people, just slips away from you without your knowing.
one moment you think they have your back, and the next you realise you're alone.

yes, on the account we have known each other for 3 years now, i will not lie to you.
i have talked about you, but i did not bitch.
i didn't say anything bad and i did not ill wish you.
i feel angered to know that you can actually think of me this way.
yeah, right. maybe you forgot how we used to be so close, and how i helped you to open up.
now you're just this cold person who only keep fake friends around you.
okay, fine, accuse me all you like, its not as if your so called friends have been entirely angels.
i can't change what you think.
i don't even think its WORTH me trying to explain myself.
do as you please, think as you want.
the chances ive given is more than i can offer alrd.
this is the last straw.
im not turning back anymore.
the only way to save this friendship is you.
but i know you well enough to figure that you pride would get in your way.

im damned pissed at what ive heard. i can't believe you did this to me.
thankyou though, for finally showing me your true colours.
i know at least, i can't trust you anymore.
you're not my friend.

hey yingyi! this is cheesy and if you don't want to read this, DON'T OKAY?
stop here! stop reading, scroll to the next paragraph!
my cute five year old sister, you're welcome for whatever you say ive helped in.
you know i love you alot alot alot, and you really mean alot to me!
we shall not care what they say, and we shall not care what they do.
we shall stand on our own ground, and believe only in ourselves!
hey, garde is awesome okay? have confidence, you guys will win.
God is blind if you all don't get what you deserve!
and hey we shall be as high and crazy when we want to.
we will complain and cry when we want to!
we will go siao with suyu and yixin when we want to,
we will use as many packets of tissues on our noses if we want to,
we will eat salty fries and become bald when we want to,
we shall be ourselves!
hey ho, we are awesome! HEHEHEHE:b this doesn't rhyme man!

despicable me on thursday (before 5)can?
or friday(after school)? faster decide!
with irene? or suyi?

dance month is a total failure!
lets hope we won't screw.
sorry dancers! i know the school sucks.


it all seems to fit in place now.
but you'll never know when someone would break this perfectness.
you break my heart like its nothing, remember, i will never forgive you for that.
the pain you caused me, the hurt you make me go through. never ever.
back to the top
cause its the power of words
Sunday, July 11, 201010:20 PM
what if one day, a good friend of yours tells you something and you believe her?
what if one day, you found out it was all just lies and you feel cheated?
and then, the whole friendship just blows out of proportion, and everything tumbles down into crumbs.
you watch helplessly cause you don't know what to do.
on one part you feel like forgiving her but on the other, it keeps haunting you that she doesn't trust you enough to tell the truth.
what will you do?

today at church, it just happens that the sermon preached about the
POWER OF THE TONGUE.
i learnt that everything we say can make or break things.
words are so influencial they can impact alot of people.
the power of words can bring about life and death.
obviously, not in the literal meaning, i meant the life and death of relationships.
we alone have the power to control what we say, so we have to be constantly alert on what come out of our mouth.
there are two ways our words work, as always we have the positive and negative.
1) our words have the power to impact
it helps to build our reputation of who we are and what we stand for. it can bring about peace and keep one free of trouble. words can bring comfort and healing, it brings affirmation and encouragement, good advice, conviction and direction.
so we must really think of what we say, it truly reflects who we are.
i have promised God today that i will not use (try not to) coarse language.
2) words have the power to destroy.
careless words destroy relationships and lives. it can cause disunity and sow discord,turning friends into enemies.
always, there are solutions to problems. i believe in Him so its Him i seek.
to those who don't i won't mention that letting God know your problems will make you feel much better and stuff like that.
we need to control certain things in our lives that tend to take over our emotions and let the devil do his ugly works on your life.
anger outbursts, resentment and bitterness, slander and gossip, complaining and negatively.
i want to try to prevent all these in my life from now on. i will try.
i think i can, i want it to happen.

hais! i really feel like ive become some sermon myself.
but these are really something i would like to share. i feel so blessed to be at church today!
YIXIN ah! i promise never to pon church again due to laziness okay?
HAHAHAHAHA! i love to go there every sunday(:

i guess what im trying to say is that,
i don't blame you for anything.
i didn't even hold a grudge towards you until you messaged me last night.
i was kinda shocked cause i was quite in good mood after watching eclipse.
and then i read your sms and was like oh yeah! i totally forgot what happened.
you're overthinking it my dear, please trust me that im not childish.
at least not like other people.
whatever it is, lets just let this episode leave us.
we'll leave it behind us and move on.
don't cry over me, its not worth your tears.
stay strong, i still love you.

ohYEAH!! did i mention that i FINALLY FINALLY got to watch ECLIPSE last night?
HAHAHA! OHMY! let me tell you my top 4 hotties list!
first up: taylor lautner. you're right algae! his abs fading man! not so hot anymore, but ohwell, those deepset eyes hidden behind that almost permanent frowning of his eyebrows! so sexy(:
second: its RILEY BIERS! xaiver samuel! 26 year old dude still so hot not bad alrd luh! his lips too long though, but cute all the same! (hi five yingyi!)
my second fave would be EMMETT CULLEN! AHHHH! damn hothothot! hehehehe:b his smile so cute! nice body too! HAHAHA!
and right on top of my list, this would surprise some people: ALEC from the VOLTURI!
i shan't describe it, im sure the picture speaks a thousand words! just one word for him, SEXYYY TTM! okay, thats 4 words! hehehe!
jasper really needs hair trimming! sorry laura! HEH:x stop having wild imaginations will you!im not gonna turn GAY! see me going gaga over guys here? HAHAHAHA!


tonight's match, im gonna watch! GO SPAIN! (and argentina, although you're out, my heart will always stay with you!)

i prayed for good and true friends today, i hope God will answer my prayer.
i prayed for the pureness of my heart and those i know and love no matter how much they might hate me, i know He will cleanse all of us, and the politics and conflicts will all disappear.
i will keep believing cause as long as i defend that faith, everything will fall back into place.
back to the top
airplanes;
Saturday, July 3, 201010:46 AM
this is all a nightmare, when i wake up, it'll all be gone.
at least, thats what im thinking..

everyone's falling sick!): so horrible.
i forgot the order but i think it started from
yy to algae to irene (along the way daphne also fell sick) to celine to yixin to suyu to me to xiantong (abit)!!!!!!!!
OHGOSHHHHH! thats 9 dancers! only nicole is well!

and yixin wants me to add,
her illness started from yijing to yixin to yijie to grandmother to maybe me again.
HAHAHAHA!!
awwman, get well soon everyone!
oh, plus the people in class, woanchin, rachel, suyi, zheru, krystal and nat for sexy voice.
HAHAHAHA! flu bug flu bug go away, come again another day!

i shan't talk about results,
ive been forgiven.
just need to work harder from now on.
but isn;t that what i always say.

chinese oral is in a few days.
i hope i do well.
nothing to worry about?
yeah right.
its only the last chinese oral exam in my life,
nothing to be scared of.
nothing at all.

newsflash.
laoshi's performance is tonight!
yingyi went to cut her hair!
ive got a new gay partner which is xiantong!
yog is not fun but very tiring.
no im not interested in him.
only 12 ppl went for yog ytd.

ive got nothing much to say really.
i hate hate hate msp.
i really want to quit.

what i'll be working towards from now on.
- get at least a pass for grade 5 violin exam
- stick to my time table
- completely complete all my homework in a day
- revise topics on weekends
- daily prayer
- sleep by 10.30 (almost impossible to achieve)
- dance month to go by fast and successfully
- syf to get at least a gold
- be more obedient/ clever --> no one should call me a blonde anymore!
(colourblinded people cannot tell that my hair is BROWN)

hais, i know these are far fetched, and a long way to go.
i must have that perseverance and motivation, i know i can do it!
i can, i can.


i want a wish; one will do, one thats enough to change everything.
back to the top