this is for you,
although i know the judges are freaking blind, i hope you guys know that you deserve everything that you have put in effort for.
idk how the hell bougae managed to win a place in top 3 but you guys are the best to me, and to many people.
but congrats to rose and ole, well done!(:
don't give up, don't cry. its not worth your tears.

hmm, on a higher note, i saw amanda and rtadatada adeline!
as if my day cannot get any better, i received a message through adel from may!
hais! i feel like drowning myself in happiness.
not that i'm not alrd in it.
but on the other hand, i had quite an unpleasant time on my way home.

------------------------------------
today 12.24pm
:B:B:B:B:B:B:B:B:B it. 10 min is ver long? wow! you :B waited for me while i went around squeexing through throngs if people trying to :B find my teachers who by the way are also attending many other thousands of people who have come to pay their respects, and you think this is long. it is only :B 10 min can whats your :B problem? 10min is only 1/18 of the tuition time you make me go through. its ony 1/24 of the :B lessons that i hate and you make me suffer through. it is only 10 min, 10 :B min!!!!!!! :B you. and i was laughing and screaming, and pigs can fly. yeah right. you know how much i hate you right now? i'm sorry to break your :B heart but i don't bother anymore. just beat me and scold me abandon me whatever. i'm giving up being your :B daughter. seriously, what is the daughter of a BTH called? yeah denise fung thats who. i have such a sad and miserable life. i should just go jump of the :B building and die for you to see. then maybe you would see that i'm actually a very good daughter to you alrd. or probably you won't even give a :B. and to you i'm the world's worst horrible daughter. whatever, as i said i don't give a :B. your biasedness and shit just makes me feel like puking blood. your unfairness is way beyond :B and i really don't know what to say anymore. cause i alrd give up. so much for saying i love you alot on sat. it just disgusts me.
---------------------------------------------------

hais.but then again, that drama is over.
but i meant it that i give up being your lap dog. i have my life to live.
hope you respect me.

haha, just made up with suyu over a sms.
suyu i really love you alot okay! so seriously, of course i will forgive you!
nothing happened back there. it was just an accident.
still, sorry if i hurt you! friends again!
i miss calling you suyuuuuuuu in the corridors, even though it has only been one day!
yay love you!
thanks for saying you don't want to lose me as a friend(:
that truly made me smile.

happy teachers day! didn't manage to give anything but ohwell.
ate the brownies for myself(:
great show from the leadership boards.
mr neil hutton(?) ftw! our cedar version of taylor swift!
cute ttm! and justin lee! ahahaha! if you understand.

just watched vampires suck.
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
thats for all the laughs i had in the stupid comedy.
but other than that, no thumbs up for plot.
just laughs and giggles and weird stares from my mum saying are you really studying?
people out there, don't watch the show, its not really worth it.
unless you really hate the twilight saga and wish to laugh along with these guys.
and if you are really down and need something to cheer you up.
if not i suggest wait til it comes up on mio tv.
heh:x

on my mind right now.
adeline. may! adeline. shao! laughiingggg, i wanna laughhhhhh.
gonna watch the last song now!
hehehe:b

when i look at you...
must smile:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

everyone has a rythm.
if you can just put your hand on your heart,
you'll feel the thumpthumpthump.


saturday:
stepup3 with suyu. had a great time spending 30 bucks on nothing.
stepup is a nice show to watch and get inspired by dance steps.
but in terms of plot and movie, its not that awesome.
but still cool! got my mike from glee! cute ttm(:

bbq was okay. kinda boring seeing how we missed all the games.
but then the dancers started playing volley.
we have potentiallllll players yo!:D

ended with performance and popcorn that burnt, marshmallows which melted.
didn't get to see my darling flabby!):
ohwell, at least i got to see the aishi tech looking guy dance pretty well.
and laugh at some other insane person's speech.
and admire some people! heheheh:b
so hot so hot so hot!

today was mad dancing.
had an awesome dance prac with a pathetic amout of 8 dancers.
(excluding yy and kelsey who left early)
we went crazy and yeah, the juniors' faces were like wthhhhh!
lol, sorry. we have to let loose once in awhile(:
i had lots of fun.
well that is until something happened at the very end.
suyu ah, idk what happened between us but if i hurt you in someway or another i'm sorry kay?
cause you were so paranoid and i didn't know how to tell you or inform you that celine's phone is in safe hands and will not go missing!
oh gosh! you must try to trust someone!
and then i become more exasperated again. hais!

anyway, its gonna be teacher's day tmr.
i'm gonna slack and sleep in class.
its decided. gonna attempt to study.
ive missed out way too much alrd.
brownies and cards for teachers i don't even know who i'd be giving.
ohwell, whatever.
i guess, its


proudly made by me though its pretty plain. ahh, whatever.
adobe photoshop, in case you're wondering.
okay, so thank you teachers for blah blah blah. giving us so much homework and creating exams.
blah blah blah. thank you very much.
no mood for much talking today.
though, i should be cause i did enjoy myself somewhat.
good luck cheerleaders,its gonna be over soon.
give it your best shot, the stage is yours to shine.

laugh your life out, dance in the rain.
cherish the moment, ignore the pain.
live laugh love, forgive and forget.
life is too short to live with regrets.

Little change of the heart, little light in the dark
Little hope that you just might find your way up out of here
'Cause you've been hiding for days, wasted and wasting away
But I got a little hope, today you'll face your fears

Yeah, I know it's not easy
I know that it's hard, follow the lights to the city

Get up and go, take a chance and be strong
Or you could spend your whole life holding on
Don't look back, just go, take a breath, move along
Or you could spend your whole life holding on
You could spend your whole life holding on

Believe the tunnel can end, believe your body can mend
Yeah, I know you can make it through 'cause I believe in you
So let's go put up a fight, let's go make everything alright
Go on and take a shot, go give it all you got

Oh, yeah, I know it's not easy
I know that it's hard, no, it's not always pretty

Get up and go, take a chance and be strong
Or you could spend your whole life holding on
Don't look back, just go, take a breath, move along
Or you could spend your whole life holding on
You could spend your whole life holding on

Don't wanna wake up to the telephone ring
Are you sitting down? I need to tell you something
Enough is enough, you can stop waiting to breathe
And don't wait up for me

Get up and go, take a chance and be strong
You could spend your whole life holding on
And don't look back, just go, take a breath, move along
You could spend your whole life holding on

Get up and go, take a chance and be strong
Or you could spend your whole life holding on
But don't look back, just go, take a breath, move along
Or you could spend your whole life holding on
You could spend your whole life holding on

Don't spend your whole life holding on, yeah

okay, i think i finally know how to upload videos.
this is the vid i wanted to upload previously.




watching this video, you'll see that people's problems all revolve around worries of war and stuff like that.
and here we are acting like 5 year olds playing childish games fighting over nothing.
this reminds me of salt, the angelina jolie movie.
about politics and assassins, and world issues.
yuppps, so seriously, my problems, your problems are nothing close to those.
and then maybe, maybe, we shouldn't keep kicking each other's butts when we see each other.
we shouldn't say bad things behind their backs.
if there's anything, just say it out right.
but then again, sometimes, its difficult to express our views.
cause you know they ain't gonna bother anyway.

sometimes, i really feel like punching.
your attitude flat out sucks. you contradict yourself.
you are not a leader. you are just an arrogant freak with big big humongous pride who does not practice what you preach.
yeah, i'm beginning to doubt your ability, sorry.

dance.
ive lost my passion. laoshi talked about that today.
is that why i'm not improving. is that why i am standing at ground zero while the rest climb above me? faster and better?
i really don't know.
but when a fire dies, i know its possible to relight it again.
rekindle its flame, just like how i will try to find the reason i joined dance in the first place.
i want to show laoshi that no matter how shitty i dance, i can at least still dance.
unlike those who claim they can but really, sorry to break the truth to you you can't.
so stop trying to act like you are really good cause it just makes me feel like vomitting.


to all the sec3 dancers,
whether you read this or not,
thanks for everything(:
i know its hard, its annoying and it demoralising,
but thanks for not giving up. (i shall ignore all your comments about how much dance sucks)
we're all, and i mean all 10 of us, gonna go through syf together.
yes, we may not be all that brilliant, lacking the potential of other sec3s, or maybe even our current sec2s and 1s, but we will strive to do our best,
we will pesevere through all the shit that comes in our way.
we will not step on diarhoea (however you spell it) and cry.
we will step on it and laugh laugh laugh.
i know this doesn't make sense but whatever! HEHEHEHEHE:B
i love you all alot, no matter what happens!(:

i feel like breaking down and crying sometimes.
no one will understand how i feel.
i wanna quit msp. please let me, i'm begging you.
violin exam in 2 weeks! gotta chiong.
i wanna pass with flying colours this time.
show the world that even i'm such a failure, miracles to happen!

found this on flickr. its freaking cute!(:
since when did domo have a girlfriend? and its pink too! aww, how sweet!
i'm promoting flickr here, it actually has some really good stuff! HEHEHE:b
though some pictures are not save-able.

---------------------------
today, 3.49pm (on my itouch)
:D i hate you. cane and whack us luh, see if i give a :D about it. get hurt then hurt luh, nothing to do with me. its your daughter anyway, i'm nothing to you. all you care is your son, everything also give way to him. and your first daughter, let her have her way. but your middle child you treat just like thrash. everytime also don't daew don't bother. only when the report book comes back and you see horrible results then you start scolding and slapping. not even encouraging or asking where went wrong. just beating and nagging.

i asked you today what time are you coming. and what the :D did you reply? i'm sending eugene home and coming alrd so stop asking me what time! can;t you :D give me a time so i know when to :D come down and wait for you? and avoid any :D scolding and hell you always give me? but no you can;t. you just tell me you're coming. coming in how long? one second, one minute one hour one day one week one month or one year? huh?

and then because of this one small thing you turn into another poon. one small thing becones you always never practice your violin, never ask your teacher questions, never study your geog and see what went wrong with you, never do this, never do that, don't care this, don't care that. i'm sorry i'm such a :D daughter luh everything also cannot do. why don't you do it since you think you're :D smart and should just go receive a nobel prize or whatever shit? or most probably you think that you're even better than that. and i told you i dont have a :D brain, so you ask me to go find out whats wrong but my brain is so small and non existent i also dk whats wrong. you tell me luh, you were the :D one who went to give birth to me what.

let me ask you a question. do you even care for me? am i your :D daughter? i always dreamt that you picked me u from some thrash or adopted a kid like your friend did and i was afraid of that. but then again, now i wouldn't mind. i'd rather have a mother who abandoned me so i know i don't have a family and that i'm alone. then i don't have to get :D upset over what you :D said to me. cause those words won't mean a thing. and they won't cut me up and leave me bleeding. and i won't be wasting my time crying :D salt water that my little eyes would need to stay hydrated, just over you. no i won't.

i'm rude and i suck and i'm useless. i'm hopeless. but thats me. you gave birth to me this way. i know i'd regret saying all these later. but i really have to vent my anger. its the only way i won't do anything stupid.
------------------------------

and yeah, as you probably realised, i've gone completely mad.
ohwell, like i said, i regretted what i typed. so im deleting the note in my itouch.
and leaving my mark here.
if my mum ever reads my blog, then i guess i'm more than dead.
but whatever, maybe she needs to know what i'm feeling once in awhile.
but all is well now, so for those out there, i'm okay don't worry(:

you know when you're sad, hearing some of these songs i hear actually helps you know!
like 24 by jem. super emo song, its about suicide. makes you somehow feel better idk why, but for me , yeah it does.
you are beautiful by glee cast, angel by david archuleta and maybe some sweet taylor swift songs will lighten your mood too!
HAHAHA! OMG i feel like some counsellor! or maybe i'm just telling myself!
hehehehe:b

ive been trying to upload the sand art video, by kseniya simonova, miss ukraine.
she's damn talented and pretty!
but idk how to upload from youtube so someone please teach me.
in the meantime you can just go search sand art on youtube.
watch the vid by this pretty brunette about ww2.

on my mind:
1) yog! (bbq plus sunday's bishan work) what to wearrrrrrr! (provided i'm going)
2) glee! i wanna watch it!
3) history! somehow i'm beginning to like it. just finished 2 essays(:
4) milkyyy! (she's having her period and stained all over me and everywhere. gotta clear up! gross but she's a girl too)
5) raffles city! going in the morn to ollow my bro for dentist appt
6) chinese! shit i still got damn alot of hw
7) certain friends, shaking my head all over it again
8) sprees! i wanna buy clothes, makeup and heels for fun! no i don't wear the last two. i just think its fun having it in my house! (someone give me links so i can splurge my money! NOOOO my precious moneyyyyyyyyy! but i can't really fight temptations! hais!)
9) dimitri dimitri adrian dimitri! (sorry algae i still like dimka more)
10) sleep! i'm such a pig.

sometimes, i wake up wanting to be rose hathaway, and fight strigois, thinking i can take down the world, throw vulgaraties at the queen who knows me by name but apparently hates me. its cool don't you think? but then again, all these are fairytales. time for a reality check.

EYEs in 4 weeks or so. are you ready?

i think i cursed this 4 letter word many times today in my head.
idk why i did but i just did.

i know you may think this is funny but its seriously not.
i was having a freaking constipation and my mum goes can you hurry up. you're gonna be late for tuition.
and i say i'm having a shit problem here! my shit cannot come out luh.
and my mum goes, i don;t care your tuition teacher is waiting for you.
wtf i am halfway shitting and my mum bloody wants me to come out of the bloody toilet.
yeah, and i got damn pissed!
so when i walked out of the bedroom, what did i say?
i said f*** you.
oh an btw, my shit was far from done.
it felt like it was still hanging there.
not funny, not funny.

earlier when i woke up with a stupid ache all over my body, i wanted to die.
i couldn't even climb down my home stairs, and there they want us to carry athlete's bags all over the freaking place.
in my head i cursed again.
(though, the jap girl is still very cute! wc no. 2)

and then yingyi's athlete started stripping naked in the middle of the corridor.
and all of us went wtffffffff!!!!!!
and then when mr tan showed up i wanted to slap his face.
i glared at him like idk what.

hais, whatever.
at least i didn't have to go to school and go for boring lessons.
and i didn't have to face people i didn't want to see.
i didn't have to eat boring canteen food.
and plus i got to see hot athletes.

yog is over now, and i'm damn sad.
i missed all those days of ponning school and having fun.
drooling over boys, or more like making fun of them.
playing with suyu and yixin!
trying to make yixin get embarassed and staring at super sexy guys.
like erhmm, he is mine, flabby!
coming up with weird slogans like 'flab is the new ab' kind of stuff.
and then there's blurry and potty and suyu/irene's baboon or whatever.
tweeeeeety and idk what else we came up with that made us giggle throughout the day.
i missed those times, i seriously do.

i think i'm beginning to love my itouch now.
since blogger can't be there with me 24/7, at least my itouch notes is.
you have no idea whats in there.
times when i'm pissed off with anyone and have the tendency to type those four letters out.
hais! when have i become so vulgar!
got to stop, got to stop.
but yingyi, i can't possibly use your hippopotamus right?
its such a long word to type out man!
hippppppppppppppppoooooooopppppppoooooootttaaaaaamusssssssssss!!!

childish games.
more lame jokes.
its useless and worthless.
you may think i don't understand but i do.
you guys are fighting a meaningless game.
weird people wasting your time.
i shan't be involved. i said it alrd.


i can't really remember if i have put this picture up before but whatever.

i'm in my own world now, and nobody's gonna knock the walls down.

can someone seriously give me some idea whats happening for history?
i hear all sorts of shit and its seriously giving me a freaking headache!
i want a hint. a hint people! not just my history teacher sucks.
yeah, that doesn't really help except make me more worried.

and it doesn't help that i don't have a freaking phone so now i'm like currently cut off from the world.
and its not like the marshalls are doing anything, cause they are not.
you ave the freaking bus plate number alrd then do something luh!!!!
don't just tell me your 'upstairs' people are dealing with it.
you think your upstairs people got time to deal with a lost handphone when the freaking yog is here is it?
you know what, you people are utterly useless!
and my mum's not helping. i'm gonna buy me a phone since you cant be bothered to.
okay! so stop scolding me alrd!

its not easy for me.
its really not.
you asked me two questions, i'm answering it here.
you have to understand, that i've been hurt by friendship problems too many times.
i have been betrayed, i have been cheated, i have been lied to.
i have been pissed at, i have been daoed by, i have been hated.
i kept too many people close to my hearts, so when these people break it constantly,
i start losing that faith.
the faith that true friends exist, that having close friends and them hurting me is worth it.
it made me realise i only have myself to rely on.
not even my family. my sister doesn't care to listen.
my brother laughs at me when i cry.
my mum only bothers with the scolding, her attention is not on me.
my dad, i can't talk to him about such stuff, he'll just think i'm a child.
and the thing is that, i don't want to be treated like a kid.
i want to be competent and show them that i am an independent person.
so i don't want to be protected.
but you have to know that i believe friends are out there.
i just give up on letting them come too close to me. i'm afraid of that pain.
my heart is not made of stone, it is as vulnerable as other human beings.
but i feel the need to protect it. to build a wall around it.
be more wary and careful. if not it will just crack.
what happened between us was probably the final fall.
the first blow from the other one was enough, but then you dropped me just like that too.
and just like that, i kinda died and lost that believe.
i don't know if i'm expressing this correctly or if you understand what i'm saying.
but i'm really hoping you can give me some leeway.
don;t get me wrong, i still like my friends, love them and treasure them.
i want to be the one to be there for them. but my defenses come up with the other way round.
so yeah, honestly you were the first one that cared for me that much.
to such an extent that i got afraid. afraid of what might happen. and it happened.
and its hard to believe again. maybe i was not being sensitive enough, i didn't know that i hurt you.
hmmmmmmmmmmm.. i really dk what to say alrd. so yeah.

okay something really funny just made me laugh.
there's this guy who i think is particpating in yog and he jist said something like:
wo you na ge confidence and wo hui try my best.
what is this, broken chinese and english to the maximum?
lol.

okay you know what, considering that i have a long day ahead of me tomorrow, i think i better go and sleep.
i give up on history just let me fail i don't care anymore.
hahaha. i know its not fair but i really hope one kind soul will just give me something to study on.
rawrrrrrr! okay whatever.
i kinda promised algae that we'd both sleep early but look at the time now.
its almost 11pm!
i have dental appointment to tmr!
my freaking braces wire came out, and i'm gonna change colour again!
what shall i change to? something nice so that the 2 billion people out there watching me will see!
lol. i seriously hope the camera doesn;t show my face or something.
i don't want my international friends to be calling me up saying i saw you on tv and you were freaking unglam stuff like that.
its not like my facebook is not alrd full of ugly pictures of me. i'm seriously not pretty so yeah.
sad life sad life.

gonna sleep! nights!(:

let the wounds heal..

its tmr! AHHHHH!
honestky, i'm scared and not scared at the same time!
i'm gonna miss all these, i'm gonna miss all the fun and experience.
despite all the tiring late night practices and rehearsals, i'm just beginning to love it.
but good things always come to an end..
i hope tmr will be the best i've ever had!
i'll have good memories of this, i'm sure.
*wink!

i talked to you today, i hope you're okay.
i hope i didn't hurt you with what i said.
i just wanted to be honest.
maybe i was abit blunt, but i hope you know my good intentions.
hey, i may not be your best friend but if you need anything, i'm here.
i can't promise you anything, but just know that i love you!(:

you know i don't wanna face it, not anything.
i don't want to discuss about those days, what happened, and what went wrong.
i just wanna start afresh and forget everything.
all the bloodshed, tears, unhappiness.
but i know you'll never give in, not until everything's resolved.
with everything explained and thrashed out.
maybe i'm just afraid.
what should i do?

i love this year's yog theme song!!!
AHHHHHH! HAHAHAHA! steve appleton is hottt.
tabitha is very pretty and has good vocals man!
HAHAHA! i wish i could post the youtube vid here, but i seriously don't know how to.
lol, i'm gonna see the vid again! the song's awesomeeee!

i love tweeeeeeeeeeeeety birds!(:


if life was so colourful, and all things ended well with a heart behind it, i would have loved life!
but life is not that colourful, and thats something i really have to accept.

hmm, i really didn't know that changing my blog name would be known so fast.
i thought i could hide, but apparently tagging on algae's blog (i think) isn't exactly the smartest choice.
anyway, i'm gonna start crapping about these few days.
and yeah, you are reading my crap at your own business.

HEY SUYU THIS IS FOR YOU!
there's yog tmr and we'll be happy happy ya?
even though (if) i'm in bad mood you must cheer me up kays!
(nvm, maybe seeing THEM will make me happy also HAHAHAHA!)
i just sent your goodnight ily message!
hehehehe:b see you tmrrrrr!

spending three and a half hours walking fro 11km wasn't the ideal morning i would like to spent, but thats exactly what i did yesterday!
woke up at 7 left house at 7.30 and started walking at mac ritchie reservoir at 8.15!
yeah, you might think walking this long would be tiring and burn off all those fats!
but tell you what, it wasn't tiring for me, cause i was listening to the music and thinking, thinking about lots of things going on in my life.
and it didn't burn anything, cause i totally pigged out after the walk.
so, waste of time yeah, waste of energy, yeah.
but its better than sleeping my head off i guess!
and the smell of fresh air and oxygen and feeling at the top of the world on the tree top walk and whatever its called tower, i guess its worth it!
and meeting monkeys that threw branches down at you to get you off their territories and going oooh and ahh over the baby ones who actually snatch your food from you so they aren't that cute after all! its pretty cool you have to agree.
and i feel healthier! that is until i started pigging out.
lol!

today i spent the morning having tuition and then the afternoon filming.
unglamness to the max but i had fun.
its those kind of feeling where you are surrounded by your good friends.
you feel so natural and relaxed and having fun.
despite having to wear fake babies under your shirt and being pregnant all over, and then having toys thrown all over you and crazy stuff like that.
well, it was awesome(:
oh not to mention lounging on the sofa watching gleeeeeeeeee!
deciding who's hot and who's not!
eating homemade brownies and twisties!
watching our own video and laughing over them.
hahaha! thanks for today guys!(:

now, i'm chionging whatever i have.
what shit history and stuff.
urgh! the work begins again.
goodness knows why and how i have the time to blog.
but i have to, i need to. i need to get it all out of me.

i thought hurting you that way was for the best.
yeah, i may seem to be a cold blooded bitch whatsoever.
i wanted to end the pain, the hurt.
and cutting off everything seemed the best choice.
i had to made you think of me that way, only then, would it be easier.
but then, after these few days, i realised, maybe my judgement was wrong.
i realised i was just running away from everything, afraid to face the harsh reality.
i thought for a very long time, while walking at the rainforest.
its time to face the music, if not i know i won't be able to forgive myself.
or that i'd regret.
honestly, i didn't want to do this. but i knew i needed to, and i must.
so i'm gonna face you tmr, black and white.
honest throughout, but considering your feelings this time.
some things i must hold back, if not i'll just cause you more pain.
or maybe its not possible. what you wrote about me.....
idk what to say. so many things. much more pain and hurt you're causing me.
but i'm not gonna cry, cause i'm immune to it all.
its all numb, my heart is numb. its not cold and hard.
its tired, its drained. i can't feel anything.
you are wrong, i am strong. i've been trained.
you're not the first friend that has broken me before.
no you're not. remember one was gone just minutes before?
and then of course, last year, previous year, 2 years ago, 3 years ago.
i had alot of friends, but it all crushed down on me.
maybe thats just a curse or some funny trick someone up there is playing on me.
i have hardened that wall, that barrier, recent events made it taller, stronger.
so you have to understand. its not that easy. not for me.
but its your first time, so maybe its not for you too.
but there's still a long road out there. and i'm warning you know.
becareful.

whoever's out there.
i hope you would respect me, and not interfere in anything.
cause seriously, i don't appreciate that.
you're making it worse, but you're not making it better either.
some things, people have to do it alone.
please please understand. or my feelings towards you will be hatred.
hatred for not helping, just being extra.

life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone.
i hear you call my name and it feels like home.
i hear your voice, its like an angel sighing.
i have no choice, i hear your voice, feels like flying.
i close my eyes, oh God, i think i'm falling.
out of the sky, i close my eyes.

i changed my skin(:
(yes, i mean it in all the senses of the world)

hey can i talk to you one of these days? tmr, over the phone? or on wed, face to face? i really want to fix everything if i can.

yeah, i promise.

you know what. i thought long and hard before messenging you this. and i decided i'd just let you know how i feel. firstly, yeah. i know you told me not to get angry or upset over what you told me on thurs. you know smth, i told you i wound't right. i told you that because i thought i could just hide my anger and not let you worry about how i felt cause i know you had other problems as well. do you realise i've always been considering your feelings, considering everything, caring about how you'd feel? but you know what. i was so angry. because i realised maybe you didn't really care about anything we had from the start. you said you did on your blog. then why the heck did you say such a thing to hurt me? i know you were being honest. but you know, i was just shocked that you felt that way after all i have actually done for you. you think i don't value what we jad and didn't understand you? then why the heck was i ALWAYS there for you when you needed me? why the heck did i let you pangseh me so many times. yeah you may think it's childish. but no offense. sometimes i think you don't even have a heart at all. thursday was seriously my breaking point. think back. have you ever truly considered my feelings? let me tell you smth which i promised myself i'd never admit. you're the first friend i actually teared over. it's like, i don't know. i feel like i've done so much, only to be pushed away by you. you really hurt me. think abt what you said. i don't have a right to be upset over this? think abt it. i thought long and hard. i really wanted to act like everything was fine and not show how i felt. but i'm sorry. i just couldn't. i honestly felt like punching your face whenever i saw you on friday and i had to control everythig within me from walking up tp you and doind something ehich i'd really regret. that's why i walked away when you talked to me. when i said bye to you on thursday, i realised i was saying bye to someone i loved so much. as a friend. someone whom i sacrificed so much for. someone which i freaking cried over and got hurt over. someone who didn't really appreciate me. someone whom hurt me. you might think the way i've reacted is just ridiculous, but if you didn't realise, i'm a freaking human. and i have feelings and i get hurt too. i really wanted to act like nothing happened. i just couldn't. if you really insist on giving up your friends, friends like me, who have always been there for you and always stood up for you through whatever problems and defended you whenever someone talked bad about you, i really think you've got to reflect. you are giving up on me when i've always never given up on you. upi said you wanted to salvage this friendship. i believed you. look what has happened now. you gave me and three other people false hope. this is the first time i'm typing something so harsh because i realised sometimes it doesn't pay to be the good one. i gave way, and i got hurt by you. honestly, maybe you won't even bother to reply. but whatever, i'm not going to heaven with God asking why i haven't tried to fix this problem with you, and why i ened up hating you. i don't hate you. not yet. please don't make me change that statement. i really hope you understand that i've endured alot. and i have a breaking point. i don't expect you to take back what you said. although i wished it was true. i somehow feel like i've always been the one who acred more about this friendship than you. and maybe that was just me being silly. a part of me seriously wishes that you would confide in me like you used to. but honestly, i don't knkow how we're going to ever solve this. maybe you won't even want to bother anymore. because thats just who you are. someone who doesn't really care, someone who can don't care. up to you. i've said what i've wanted to. and i honestly don't think i'll be able to look at you without cringing away ever for at least the next month if you don't prove to me that you actually cared about our friendship and you actually secretly want things to be salvaged between us. id you don't want to reply, because you don't know what to say, i'm sorry. because i would seriously give you up alrdy.

i know you're hurting. i am too. you know what, i'm not going to react and say fuck back at you. you may not be able to think clearly now. and the things you just said to me are hurtful and harsh. but let me tell you smth. i don't care if you want us to go fuck you whenever we see each other. i don't want to freaking say goodbye. don;t you get it? i can't. i admit the way you reacted was seriously quite unexpected. if i tell you i still care, and you tell me you don't anymore. up to you. seriously, i don;t think anyone can survive without any close friends. because everyone falls apart at one point or another in their lives. i don't want to sound desperate. but i decided i should actually try to care one last time. i didn;t tell you i cried to make you guilty. honestly it makes me feel like a weakling. but maybe i am one. i admit i am sometimes. i still love you. i really do. and i might seriously regret telling you that because you might just snap nack at me again. but whatever. i don't really acre. because i don't want to live like i gave up. because i don't give up.

and yeah, i know we only knew each other for a few months. but whatever its still a freaking friendship . i don't want to act like i know you so well, because yeah. i admit that i don't know you at all.but i'm trying to. if you really don't want to care anymore. fine. i'll just let you go.

i knew you were not what she is thinking you are. i know that you don't want any close friends anymore but i can tell you that life without friends will be unbearable cause i've been through it before. so please, keep at least one friend by your side whom you can talk to. and, i promise i won't tell her. love you, even though you may not want to hear it.

if the pictures i have with you and i were hard copies, i would love to burn them down.
i would watch all the pictures burn up, shrivelled. and our faces would all turn black.
and then i would laugh to myself and relive those last few moments.
how everything had vanish in a blink of an eye.
and how i read all your messages, thinking:
wow, how many messages did you just spent typing all those.
how long did you take. why did you bother? and when was it going to end?
emotionless, i typed back even 'hurtful and harsh' words.
you were right, i probably wasn't thinking clearly.
but i am definitely thinking right now.
no, those pictures aren't printed, and so i don't have a hard copy.
but its easier this way.
cause its soft copy, and thats why i can just delete everything with a click of a button.
and with it, everything is gone.

and then an orange messenger pops up.
it flashes the name that i would 'love' to see at this point of time.
yeah, right.
i don't even wanna see what she has to say.
i'm beginning to hate her.
so, as technology allows, i'mjust gonna close it.
like i am closing out everything from now on.

how much longer will this last?

hey suyu, you will most probably not be reading this.
but thank you for everything yesterday!
thank you for making me feel happy and high!
i'm really looking forward to wednesday now, and you have promised that we will be in our happy bubble once more.
you say i look scary when i'm pissed, and you won't talk to me if i am.
so i am not going to be pissed.
not at my parents, not at my family, not with my friends.
i'm gonna be happy happy happy.
and smile smile smile!
maybe when i do that, some guys would start asking me for my number huh?
and no i am not pretty and i do not have many suitors you funny pig!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
lets go catch some cute guy searching and seeing again!
i love you!(:

i thought you knew me, you acted as if you knew.
i wouldn't have guessed its not true.
the way you act, the way you reacted.
you don't know me, not at all.
cause i thought you understand, but now we are just playing a childish game of ignore.
you know what, i valued what we had, i valued our relationship.
but im never gonna go after you, cause you were the one who started it.
i may have hurt you, but i told you not to take anything personally.
at least i told you what i feel, at least i didn't lie.
whatever, i'm giving up on you now.

hmm, i knew you for three years, i thought we were close.
but letting this kind of thing get in between its worthless.
i didn't reply you, but my answer is yes.
you can choose what you want to believe, why i did it and all.
but i didn't mean to hurt you.
yes, i'm annoyed and i was complaining.
but no, it wasn't intentional.
i'm throwing these words back at you, the ones you said to me.
i thought you knew me well enough to know that i wouldn't do that to you.
but its the same for you.
i didn't start it, i didn't end our friendship.
you want to ignore me, yeah fine, whatever.
don't show me your weakness don't cry.
cause i don't want to feel the guilt i don't deserve.
and say all you like, its time i start thinking for myself.
i was always there for you, but you weren't.
don't say you love me, and that you care for me.
cause its getting hard to believe.
as i always emphasize to you, show what you say with actions and not by words.
you wanna do something, you gotta stick to it, and you gotta put in effort.
no one said it was easy, but it ultimately rest in your determination and your belief.
there are many things we can do, but if we don't eliminate all the other distractions, we'll never get down to it.
im glad you're motivated, cause thats all you need.
belief what you want, i'm not caring anymore.
besides, even if i leave you now, you won't feel a thing.
there's so many other people who are there for you, who will catch you when you fall.
so i'm not worried for you, and i'm not gonna grieve over it.

when you step out of your life, and take a good look at it, all these things that you keep thinking about, that you get sad and emotional about, its really quite amusing, you realise everything is pretty lame, its childish. life is too short to grieve over lost friendships and going after what is lost. we have to move on, and help those who can't. i'm gonna be open minded now, don't think too much. its no use being sensitive and stuff, it gets you more worried. and why should i be scared? so we face the world with confidence and determination, and focus on what you want. from now on, its just study study and study.


sometimes, i think.
friends aren't important, you only have yourself to rely on.
yeah, i have to admit, the road i'm on will be lonely,
but its definitely better than getting hurt over and over again for nothing.
its time to give up. give up on what is not there.
come on, you can do this.
don't find it a pity, just move on.
cause love fades, mine will too.
its only a matter of time.