hey can i talk to you one of these days? tmr, over the phone? or on wed, face to face? i really want to fix everything if i can.

yeah, i promise.

you know what. i thought long and hard before messenging you this. and i decided i'd just let you know how i feel. firstly, yeah. i know you told me not to get angry or upset over what you told me on thurs. you know smth, i told you i wound't right. i told you that because i thought i could just hide my anger and not let you worry about how i felt cause i know you had other problems as well. do you realise i've always been considering your feelings, considering everything, caring about how you'd feel? but you know what. i was so angry. because i realised maybe you didn't really care about anything we had from the start. you said you did on your blog. then why the heck did you say such a thing to hurt me? i know you were being honest. but you know, i was just shocked that you felt that way after all i have actually done for you. you think i don't value what we jad and didn't understand you? then why the heck was i ALWAYS there for you when you needed me? why the heck did i let you pangseh me so many times. yeah you may think it's childish. but no offense. sometimes i think you don't even have a heart at all. thursday was seriously my breaking point. think back. have you ever truly considered my feelings? let me tell you smth which i promised myself i'd never admit. you're the first friend i actually teared over. it's like, i don't know. i feel like i've done so much, only to be pushed away by you. you really hurt me. think abt what you said. i don't have a right to be upset over this? think abt it. i thought long and hard. i really wanted to act like everything was fine and not show how i felt. but i'm sorry. i just couldn't. i honestly felt like punching your face whenever i saw you on friday and i had to control everythig within me from walking up tp you and doind something ehich i'd really regret. that's why i walked away when you talked to me. when i said bye to you on thursday, i realised i was saying bye to someone i loved so much. as a friend. someone whom i sacrificed so much for. someone which i freaking cried over and got hurt over. someone who didn't really appreciate me. someone whom hurt me. you might think the way i've reacted is just ridiculous, but if you didn't realise, i'm a freaking human. and i have feelings and i get hurt too. i really wanted to act like nothing happened. i just couldn't. if you really insist on giving up your friends, friends like me, who have always been there for you and always stood up for you through whatever problems and defended you whenever someone talked bad about you, i really think you've got to reflect. you are giving up on me when i've always never given up on you. upi said you wanted to salvage this friendship. i believed you. look what has happened now. you gave me and three other people false hope. this is the first time i'm typing something so harsh because i realised sometimes it doesn't pay to be the good one. i gave way, and i got hurt by you. honestly, maybe you won't even bother to reply. but whatever, i'm not going to heaven with God asking why i haven't tried to fix this problem with you, and why i ened up hating you. i don't hate you. not yet. please don't make me change that statement. i really hope you understand that i've endured alot. and i have a breaking point. i don't expect you to take back what you said. although i wished it was true. i somehow feel like i've always been the one who acred more about this friendship than you. and maybe that was just me being silly. a part of me seriously wishes that you would confide in me like you used to. but honestly, i don't knkow how we're going to ever solve this. maybe you won't even want to bother anymore. because thats just who you are. someone who doesn't really care, someone who can don't care. up to you. i've said what i've wanted to. and i honestly don't think i'll be able to look at you without cringing away ever for at least the next month if you don't prove to me that you actually cared about our friendship and you actually secretly want things to be salvaged between us. id you don't want to reply, because you don't know what to say, i'm sorry. because i would seriously give you up alrdy.

i know you're hurting. i am too. you know what, i'm not going to react and say fuck back at you. you may not be able to think clearly now. and the things you just said to me are hurtful and harsh. but let me tell you smth. i don't care if you want us to go fuck you whenever we see each other. i don't want to freaking say goodbye. don;t you get it? i can't. i admit the way you reacted was seriously quite unexpected. if i tell you i still care, and you tell me you don't anymore. up to you. seriously, i don;t think anyone can survive without any close friends. because everyone falls apart at one point or another in their lives. i don't want to sound desperate. but i decided i should actually try to care one last time. i didn;t tell you i cried to make you guilty. honestly it makes me feel like a weakling. but maybe i am one. i admit i am sometimes. i still love you. i really do. and i might seriously regret telling you that because you might just snap nack at me again. but whatever. i don't really acre. because i don't want to live like i gave up. because i don't give up.

and yeah, i know we only knew each other for a few months. but whatever its still a freaking friendship . i don't want to act like i know you so well, because yeah. i admit that i don't know you at all.but i'm trying to. if you really don't want to care anymore. fine. i'll just let you go.

i knew you were not what she is thinking you are. i know that you don't want any close friends anymore but i can tell you that life without friends will be unbearable cause i've been through it before. so please, keep at least one friend by your side whom you can talk to. and, i promise i won't tell her. love you, even though you may not want to hear it.

if the pictures i have with you and i were hard copies, i would love to burn them down.
i would watch all the pictures burn up, shrivelled. and our faces would all turn black.
and then i would laugh to myself and relive those last few moments.
how everything had vanish in a blink of an eye.
and how i read all your messages, thinking:
wow, how many messages did you just spent typing all those.
how long did you take. why did you bother? and when was it going to end?
emotionless, i typed back even 'hurtful and harsh' words.
you were right, i probably wasn't thinking clearly.
but i am definitely thinking right now.
no, those pictures aren't printed, and so i don't have a hard copy.
but its easier this way.
cause its soft copy, and thats why i can just delete everything with a click of a button.
and with it, everything is gone.

and then an orange messenger pops up.
it flashes the name that i would 'love' to see at this point of time.
yeah, right.
i don't even wanna see what she has to say.
i'm beginning to hate her.
so, as technology allows, i'mjust gonna close it.
like i am closing out everything from now on.

how much longer will this last?

hey suyu, you will most probably not be reading this.
but thank you for everything yesterday!
thank you for making me feel happy and high!
i'm really looking forward to wednesday now, and you have promised that we will be in our happy bubble once more.
you say i look scary when i'm pissed, and you won't talk to me if i am.
so i am not going to be pissed.
not at my parents, not at my family, not with my friends.
i'm gonna be happy happy happy.
and smile smile smile!
maybe when i do that, some guys would start asking me for my number huh?
and no i am not pretty and i do not have many suitors you funny pig!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
lets go catch some cute guy searching and seeing again!
i love you!(: