I really hate it when I have finished the meagre homework I have and am just way to lazy to read through my textbooks or start on my history mindmap, and have nothing to do, resulting to me pigging out on the rubbish my house owns just after I eat finish my dinner. Huh, wonderful! So much for toning my body and losing some weight! Grr!

The world comes to life and everything's bright
From beginning to end when you have a friend by your side
That helps you to find the beauty you are
When you open your heart and believe in the gift of a friend

Someone who knows when you're lost and you're scared
And there through the highs and the lows
Someone you can count on, someone who cares
Beside you wherever you'll go

In nursery, you have friends who goes around kissing each other and play like there's no tomorrow. For me, I had a friend, who was so much taller than me, who protected me like a body guard. To chase away the guys who would bully me in kindergarten. She was a very loyal friend, but then we separated.

In primary school, your social life starts to widen. You meet all sorts of people from all sorts of places. Then you form cliques and call each other bffs. For me, I formed many cliques, been everyone's bff, got fought over, an fought over others. Then I found two of my best friends who lived nearby. We were inseparable. But then comes secondary school. One went mad with boys, smoke and drugs. The other could only he there for me once in awhile. We all have drifted apart.

In secondary school, you would expect all those friendship politics to disappear. It was a new school for God's sake. No one knew you and you could start a new. But before you know it, you get caught up in the tangle of reality. Never knowing who to trust, and what to do. Some keep trying to climb the social ladder, trying so hard to be the coolest, to be the centre of attention. For me, I've found many friends, formed great friendships. But before I could leave this stage of my life, I feel them slipping away so quickly, I can't catch up. I've found what I thought to be true friends, only to be let down again and again. I wouldn't really call the rest fake, but I'll always know that what they say is untrustable. Not reliable, jut lies. But then again, I'm not in the perfect state to judge them for who they are.

So my cycle of friendships just continue. I don't know what I'll face in my next school? Or the next, or the next. But hopefully, by then, all of us would mature, and find these childish games of backstab, two facing and friendship shit all a laughing matter. And all of us would sit together and reflect in mid smiles that we were just making a fool of ourselves then.

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

You cheated my feelings, you broke my heart, I thought you were my friend, but you are not. You only want me when you needed a favour, when you need something that no one else is willing to give cause you know they do not love you as much. And so you used me, you knew I would give in. But guess what, I can be as equally scheming as anyone out there. You are a btch and we all know that. It's only a matter of time the others realised that too. I don't even know why I keep on hanging on to nothing. It's like trying to catch water, though you actually alrd knew how impossible it is to do that because it'll just keep flowing back out of your hands.

I think we're gonna die for syf. I seriously believe so. And there seems nothing I can do to improve the situation. I've been practicing at home alot on all the steps. Especially since Laoshi is bent in criticising me all the time. I really am trying hard. I wonder if the rest are too. I don't want just a gold. I want gold with honours.

I'm really proud of myself! I ran with the trackers for jogging today an managed to stay energetic and ran all the way! Yay! This is particularly good for me because I'm always slacking so much. So you may be rolling your eyes thinking wth, what is there worth to be proud of? But to me it's a big accomplishment. Especially since I've never stopped on Monday either(:

EUGENE FUNG HAO YUAN
I've said this once and I'll say it again. If your fcked up attitude is the reason I get shit from mummy one more time, I swear I would just do something that would probably hurt you. I really don't mind ignoring you for the rest of my life but honestly, you're not playing a fair game if you're btching about me behind my back like some btch. I swear I will screw you all over if you ever piss me again. I can make life equally as miserable or even more as what you've done for me. I promise you this.

Just to shout out: juniors if you're reading this or stalking me etc, I suggest you don't. Cause as sweet and innocent as I may appear to be( if you're thinking that way), I have a second personality that you don't want to ever face. And I acknowledge what I am.

You're making your own life so difficult, but it doesn't bother me so yeah, I'm fine with it. It's fine, I don't mind you not talking to me, fir one day one weak one year. Its just a cold war, like ussr and us. But i choose us cause im the more reasonable one- obviously less immature compared to you. You can be the fcked up ussr. Whatever, I'm not at the losing end anyway. And just so you know, I'm not giving in this time.

(Mindmaps on history every weekend is making me grow fond of it! Go pure history(: butter side up or butter side down? Zoukes or youkes? Haha!)

It seems like everyone's new hobby is fcking up my life.
Mum goes: why do you keep playing your phone? Stop hearing music when we're having dinner. You damn useless never do anything whole day. Go brush your dog's teeth. Why never bathe her today?

Defense: WTF. Firstly, I am not even playing with my phone. I'm smsing people, cause apparently it's a way to communicate to people who are not within hearing range of my voice. Secondly, I am blasting music to keep you out. Don't you get it? Thirdly, I have been studying since 12 am, or 6 hours mind you. Even to an extent when daddy said Wah, why you study for so long?! Yeah, cause apparently I have a test this week and so I wanna do well. Also, I'm not the person who woke up at 5am to go to a salon at 6am and did her hair until 3pm. That's a whole 6 hours lost if you didn't realise. Who's goes to do their hair for that long?!!!! And I am not the one who went to Chinatown and spent 500 bucks on a sweater, 2 dresses and some belts in chanel and prada. There you are complaining we're so poor I can't go to Barcelona for my dance trip, and there you are throwing money away like they drop from the sky. Uh huh.. Lastly, I do not have a problem with how milky smells, so since it bothers you, why don't you do everything yourself instead?!

Fcked up brother who's fcking up my life too.
Some fcked up friends who I shouldn't give a fck about.
Fcked up tests that I know I'm going to screw.
Argh!

Algae, if you're reading this, can you tell me if your offer still stands? That if one day, I ever need some where to stay, that your doors will be open to me always?
Cause somehow I have a feeling that that day is coming real soon. I need to runaway.

One more thing, I think i should acknowledge.
Thanks Mun, for everything today. You have totally taken my mind off loads of shit in my life. Thanks or dancing with me when I need someone to dance with, or to teach me for that matter. Thanks for playing boxhead with me, till we went crazy! Screaming out heads off at your house i hope your mum didn't scold you. Talking about people in our schools, about people you don't know. And people that I don't know! To see who's school suck more! Hahaha! You'll always be my childhood friend, someone who i grew up with, someone who I love(:

I just realised that when I smile, my lips are turned upwards. But the smile never reaches my eyes. They are still turned downwards, not those cresent shapes that I expected. Then I look more closely in the picture, my eyes weren't even sparkling, like many of those books and novels promised they should when you're happy. Was I happy then? I vaguely remember that the answer is yes. That was probably one of the best moments of my life, if my memory doesn't fail me. But why do my oh so big eyes look so cold and distant then? Why are they pitches of black and not the brown hazel ones I've been told so often I had?

Yeah, it was probably the surroundings, the bad lighting, or the lousy camera. I'm over thinking once again, my new hobby.

On the other hand, milky is currently lying on my lap. She's been sleeping for almost an hour, making me incapable of moving around. Not even for a bathroom break. I don't want to wake her up, she's been sleeping so soundly. But just a few minutes ago she started shaking uncontrollably. I don't think she's cold, I think she's having a nightmare. I don't know if I should wake her up. She's shivering so badly..

I apologise for the many spelling or sudden random word replacement and grammar errors etc. Cause at the speed I'm typing on this iPhone, it's amazing how words can even be formed. The auto correction doesn't help much either, that explains the random words that don't obviously fit into the context of my sentence.

Ah whatever. Everything's so fucked up anyway.

Oh except for tlc camp. I think playing with nurul, alamelu, simhong, woanchin and whoever else was actually my highlight of the day. Because despite of my complaints, I actually had real fun.

Some people are so freaking desperate that they absolutely disgusts me.

Fuck. I'm freaking pissed and you'll know how pissed I am to actually say that word. Which just brings me to finally breaking that one new year resolution that I managed to keep to for this past 22 days of wonderful 2011 to not be vulgar.

I've got several reasons for being so pissed off. Hmm, I don't know which one to start. Hmm let me see. Oh yeah! The fact that I was fucking woke up in the middle of my sleep. Oh and conveniently in the form of my brother and sister who have fucking no consideration for someone who woke up at 7 to go for camp an then dance and then a shopping trip til 12 midnight at orchard. Yeah sure I had fun but do you know how fucking tiring I am? No of course you don't cause you guys are fucking not as busy as me and you guys apparently don't have enough eq and iq to make it to a school thy tortures their students. And hence you end up playing fucking violent games, think shooting and killing virtual people, using virtual characters and virtual weapons, which has no use whatsoever or purpose, for that matter, and waking up people who are fucking dead tired from a fucked up day. Oh I don't even want to mention, that though I understand you guys are so mentally challenge, you don't have the cow sense to mum your game sounds and conversation. Oh, yeah and after asking you guys to shush up, you still have the decency to ask me to shut the fuck up? And then annoy me further by making even more noise? Seriously, get a life. And while my anger is currently under the containment policy of keeping it all here inside my blog instead of on your fucked up memories, stop pissing the fuck out of me.

Second reason. Am I so small and minute that I am invisible? Have I been so fucking non existent in your lives like seriously? Wow! I really didn't know how fucking insignificant I am. But now I know, and now I understand. That I am really nothing. Just an invisible shadowed figure, blending in the background. What the fuck! I seriously don't even know what to say! Fucking loss for words. I can't imagine that about an hour ago,my my mind was like a turbulence. Churning and churning about how fucking pissed I am at you. And cursing you and stuff that makes murdering someone seem human. After how I always treat you, and acknowledge you and your existence, an d now that I realise what everything means, looks like it's time I stop giving a fuck about anything that happens with you.

Wah fuck fuck fuck. To those who are uninvolved or not concerned in the above 2 cases, I'm sorry you had to read this. Of course you will realise what a bitch I can be. Trust me, this does not come often, but every girl gets fucking pissed at least once in their life. I'm not throwing a hissy fit here, I'm very aware why the fuck I'm so fucking pissed. And that there are actual reasons to them. But honestly, and then again, I don't really give a fuck on what you think of me at this point either.

Again, I know I'm gonna regret this later. But for now I need to release this poisonous feeling in me. Yes, in case you don't know, getting angry releases a toxin in your body which is nut very good obviously. So I need to do this shut out of me, like it's some toxic waste. Then slowly turn into that happy happy positive mask I usually wear.

Yeah, notice it's a mask. To keep everybody safe, and happy, from what I am actually inside. Nope, nobody's ever going to see the inside of me. Cause honestly, I don't know what's there. I've been so used to my outer shell that what's inside has turned into s stranger.

Ah fuck it.

Wah I'm feeling angry and pissed and confused and scared and sad and happy and nervous and sian and tired and pained and restless and cheerful and freaked out and ... and...

It's a wonder how a human body can feel so many emotions at a time and don't die from over-emotion-ing! Gosh!

Hais! I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want to lead you on either. This is just a passing infatuation, so you should get over it soon. Honestly, I'm really flattered but that's not the point. I know there's surely someone out there who would be more suitable for you and who would appreciate you more. And someone you would learn to like too.

Someday, love will find you.

Sometimes people put up walls not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

I really really really love you guys, like seriously.
There's nothing I can say or do to tell you how much I want to be there for you.
I just want all of you to know that after today, I'm going to try even harder still to be the person you want me to be.
I'll commit more to the things we believe and try to bring things back to the way it was before.

Yeah, especially Irene and celine. Talking with you guys about everything an anything made me feel much happier.
As CMI exco, we're gonna try harder still right?
We're not going to be the batch to stop the trend.
We're gonna be the leaders who's gonna make a change.
We won't cry for what we achieved in the end cause that's everything we have done alrd..
There's nothing more we could have done anymore.
So we're gonna put in this extra 110% until the very last drop sweat and tears..

Dadee, I really love you alot too! I just want you to stay strong. Please? For me, for dance, for yourself.

Xiantong, remember nothing is worth your tears and the thing that is worth them, will not make you cry. So please stay strong too. I don't think you'll read this but I've been using you as an example of a good leader and stuff like that. I really dk how to explain, but you can ask Shiri, Junica or whichever juniors I talked too. Then you'll understand how truly amazing you actually are! Despite what anyone else will ever say.

Algae, you know what you mean to me right? I want you to become that crazy self again! The one that I love, the one that's always there for everyone.. the heart and soul of dance and all it's craziness..



I just caught a glimpse of how I look in the mrt glass window, I look horrendous! My eyes hurt like mad, they sting, reminding me again of what just happened. I just feel this sense of sadness and helplessness. I know inshould be stronger than this, those tears were not meant to roll down my cheeks, making me look like some pathetic senior trying to gain sympathy from her juniors. Yes, that's what I keep telling myself. Heck, I even tell people around me. Stay strong stay strong stay strong.

But strength means nothing more than how well you hide the pain right?

Its a horrible day,
I'm looking for something dumb to do,
Hey sleepy, I think I wanna marry you!
Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it this sleeping pills,
Hey sleepy I think I wanna marry you!

Ponned dance today.. Slept till 11am!
Hais, feeling so tired and washed out!
Yesterday I was sniffling, I think I caught a cold. I used up 3 whole packets of tissue! Not to mention loads of toilet paper while doing my business! Lol!
Then I started sneezing like every 5 minutes, and not like it's cold enough, my sorethroat got worse!
Now I have sexy voice!
And I had difficulty pronouncing Junie to Irene!
She was like what? Jody? Huh? Judy? Who's that?!
Hahaha! It was pretty epic! We then concluded my sickness is affecting my speech! Lol!

Didn't even go for dance, but I'm as tired as anything!
AHHHH LIZARD! Okay, I just saw a freaking baby lizard! ):
Went to the doc's and brought home damn alot of meds!:/
6 tablets and 2 syrups 4 times a day!
It's no wonder why I feel super sleepy now..
Zzzzzzzz..

Nothing much to say.. Have been sleeping, doing homework, sleeping, history notes, and back to sleeping again!
I think I slept more than 5 hours excluding sleeping time (12 hours last night)!
I should just win the super sleep contest! Hahaha!
Now it's time to eat medicine again!
Someone just kill me already!

It didn't get better, you just made it worse.
The problem wasn't there in the first place, after I decided this new year would be a forgiving one.
Apparently, your thank you speech spoilt that development, and resolution.
What to do?
I don't feel better about it..

The sermon at church preaches about faith today.
What is your perspective?
What is your position?
What is your purpose?
Hmm, let's see what will happen if I answer these questions for myself instead of Caleb and Joshua..
In life, I try to see things from a positive light.
I position myself in the hands of God, may He path the way of my future, I take what I have and what I need, never more.
My purpose in life, is to lead a God centered life, and to be as happy as a person can be.
I am gonna pray for this faith I believe in.. Hopefully God will answer my prayers!(:

Oh! I'm starting to read the bible as my story book! People with nothing better to read should do that too! It's quite interesting really! My bed time story! Hahahaha!

Ahhhhhh! Olevels results is tmr!
Wishing those collecting their results all the best!
I mustn't cry even if I don't get what i want. Thats what i promised God today..

I think I need to grow stronger.
Not only physically but mentally too.
I realized how really weak I was yesterday.

Contray to the popular belief, I don't break down easily.
Yes, my tolerance for physical pain is near zero, but the tolerance for mental hurt is quite high.
Say what you want, I'll keep it all in.
Give me all the pressure and stress, fine, I'll deal with it.
I won't retaliate, I'll be silent, wait till you finish ranting, then take a deep breath and tell myself to ignore.
Yupp that's what I do, I imagine the pain isn't there, I pretend I never was hurt, not a single scratch.
What I didn't realize was that that wound keeps on growing.
Locked in my heart, but it expands. All it takes is a spark, and I would have blown up.
I really should have known, then I would be even more prepared an keep my emotions in check.
My friends wouldn't have to see me break down like that, for no reason.
I wouldn't feel so black, so ugly inside.
I really don't know how to explain this feeling!
To those who have maybe experienced this, you'd understand what I mean..
You'll feel like the whole world is falling down on you, like you can't breathe, that you'd rather die.
The mental stress, that fatigue, that thought that you're going crazy..

But I'm not going let let things get the better of me again.
Cause though I may fall, I'll always get back on my feet!
Cause I know I'm stronger than this, or at least, I'm going to..
Dear God, please give me strength.

The title was kinda from my Dadee Ho! Hahaha!
Anyway, I am here to complain about my first day of school!))):
(I'm using an app to blog btw! So coooooool right?)

Anyway, we got mrs chew again yay! So she was pretty funny as usual! She pronounced menstruation and MENUstration! Hahaha! Omg! And she was telling us about the dangers of not going through puberty at this age and what some stuff about our periods! Awkward muchhhh!

Oh and I'm sitting with yy, margie and wanxin again! Yay! My 3 favorite people in class!((((: but but not during chinese! Stupid peyling ditch me and then wanxin and Ccy changed class and then yy moved to the front!!! Arghhhhh! Ahwell! School sucks anyway!

Besides that, i think it was okay.. After school was ARGH! First have to endure ms poon's talks, next had to listen the mr chia yamble yamble yamble about some spox matrix shit! And then with that my whole of next week is gone! What with dance pracs and cca leaders meeting and audition etc etc etc! And then there is still tuition here and there!!! ARGHHH! And then the knowledge that we have extended lessons blah blah blah.... Ohmy! The first day is killing me alrd!

Hahah! But I shouldn't complain much cause irene's in worse state than me! Hahahaha! When we were studying we were like complaining about our pathetic lives and talking bad about our teachers and stuff! It was pretty comical and hilarious! And we were talking about campers liking who and stuff with weeming and Rachel! lol! Oh and all of us are so freaking dead for dancee!!!!! RAWrRrr!

What else will happen for tmr? I can totally wait.. Hais! Please 2011, be nice to me okay?:/